Dear reader, this chapter contains a very stupid, very dirty joke,
so I'm afraid I must rate it at least an R.
So much for my attempt at a PG-13 rating. ;)


A Harry Potter Fanfic by Didodikali
Rowling's characters do not belong to me!
However these pictures are mine.

Chapter Four.
Strategy and Tactics

Red and gold are royal colours.
Peasant colours are green and brown.
Green is the corn in the brown earth when it's growing.
Red and gold when the harvest is cut down.
~Fairport Convention

"Heavens. I'd have lost money if I'd bet on that one."

"Shoo! Shoo! That goes for you too, Narcissa!" I said.

"You want me to get you a jar so you can squeeze all that drool out of your sleeve and use it in a potion?"

"Sod off, Baldric."

Care of Magical Creatures has got to be my least favorite class; it's even worse than Divination. Merlin! Why does this kind of thing always have to happen to me? ...Just one of those days.

At least Lupin and Black didn't see that. The class was finally over and I followed Lupin and Black back into the castle and stood with them outside the DADA classroom waiting for Potter, Pettigrew and, most especially, Lily to emerge.

Black didn't appreciate the company. He leaned against the wall and sneered at me.

"What are you looking at?" I said, which was a mistake.

"Possibly a baboon. When they were handing out noses, did you forget to say when?"

I don't hang out with the other Houses much and no one in Slytherin would dare to talk to me like that. Well, except for Malfoy and I'm used to him. I've got status in the Snake Pit, though. I'm on the reserve team, my marks are excellent, I bring in points. And us Snakes are all armed to the teeth with Dark curses and such, which encourages a respectful courtesy all round. Home among the polite Slytherins, I can forget that it's only my mother who thinks I'm cute. ....And it's more than likely that Mum is just being polite.

Which is all very different from being out in the real world. I have cause to look in a mirror every now and then. You'd think that by now I'd be used to being ugly, but, goddammit, I'm still sensitive. I must get over this. It's probably just as well to have this weakness pointed out by a stupid Gryffindor. A Slytherin out for blood wouldn't have failed to follow through and finish me off after the first successful jab. Merlin! I can't believe I've been walking around with such a tempting opening in my psyche. A needed correction.

Lupin put his arm on my shoulder. "Ignore him. He's a dunderhead."

If there is anything worse than being insulted by Black, it's got to be consolation from Lupin. Eeeurgh.

I deliberately dropped my hand back to my side. I look at Black and said, "Thank you," as my teacher had taught me.

Black looked at me with blank confusion and then with disdain. Ha. No one's ever thanked him for being a rude arsehole before. He probably thinks I'm some kind of masochist now. Idiot.

I should hang out with the other Houses more. It's good for me to get another perspective. And more practice is always a good plan. I looked up at Black and mounted a late defense. "Not everyone gets to be smart, talented and pretty. Two out of three isn't bad, and it's more than you got."

Black's defenses are impervious, of course. He laughed. "Which am I, then?" he said, "Pretty or talented?"

Lupin leaned into the conversation. "What I find interesting is that you already know you're not smart," he said to Black.

Black giggled. "I think I'm pretty. You're smart," he said to Lupin. "Maybe even talented, too."

"Gee, thanks. But am I pretty?" asked Lupin dryly.

"Eeennngh," said Black and shrugged. Potter, Pettigrew and Lily finally escaped the DADA class then and we collected together in the hallway among the milling students.

"Hmmph," said Lupin. "Apparently some of us are scholars, some of us play Quidditch, and some of us just look good in tight trousers."

Black laughed at this and turned around and around, trying to get a good look at his own arse. Lupin rolled his eyes. Lily glanced at me and then looked away, blushing. Oh. My hand drifted up to the inside breast pocket of my robe which still held an anonymous love note with words both encouraging and complimentary.

If only I could have a moment alone with her, without these loud imbeciles constantly getting in my way. But she's always surrounded by people. Could I get her attention despite that? I do think she likes me... I think... assuming it was her who wrote that poem... I don't know.

They set off down the hall, and outsider though I was, I trailed after them listening to them discuss the idiocy of classes like History of Magic, Divination and Muggle Studies and how much they hated them.

"I don't know about Muggle Studies," I said, "I rather like that thing we started reading the other day. Seemed to have some nice ideas in it. 'Two houses, both alike in dignity'..."

Lily glanced back at me. "Er... Have you read the whole thing yet? Everybody dies."

I looked at her in surprise. "What? Everybody?"

"That's right. Romeo and Juliet both kick the bucket. Everybody dies," she said.

"Well, what about Mercutio, the cool best friend?" asked Remus, who was taking that class with me.

"Dead. Stone dead. Everybody dies," said Lily.

I said, "How completely useless. I do hope the next one is better. That one with the picture of the nicely dressed chap and the girl with the flowers and sopping wet dress on the cover, what about that one?"

".......Hamlet. Looking into my magic eightball, I see disappointment in your future. Sorry," she said.

I jammed my hand into my pockets and growled, "Pettigrew is right. Muggle Studies is a load of tosh."

Lily laughed. "Stick to Potions, Sev. You're not bad at Quidditch, either."

I'd thought I was following them to the Dining Hall, but they passed right by that passageway. "Where are you all going?" I asked.

Lily hand flew to her mouth. "Oh! Uh. We were going to sneak out to Hogsmeade and start the weekend early. Have butterbeer and fish and chips. Um. You want to go?"

The boys groaned and so, of course, I said yes. I even got to walk to the village by Lily's side. Hogsmeade was empty of students except for us and we easily found an empty booth at Rosmerta's.

Lily slid onto the bench first. I swept past Potter and slid in next to Lily. Lupin pressed in next to me. Pettigrew, Potter and Black slid into the opposite seat. They ordered butterbeer and food and I listened to them casually badmouth my House in passing Quidditch conversation. Although the Slytherin Reserves had won our last game with the Gryffindor Reserves, the Slytherin Regulars had lost to the Gryffindors. Why can't we talk about something else? Bite your tongue, Sev. Think about the wriggly girl mashed against your leg. She really can't sit still at all, can she. Oooh. Don't think about that too much. Think about beer. Yum, beer!

"Like it, eh?" said Lily.

"It's all right. I've made better," I said.

"You made butterbeer? In class?" she asked.

"No, our Professor isn't quite that oblivious. I made it in the dorms. Under my bed."

"Oh, don't be telling us about your swotty little personal projects. I don't want to know what's under your bed. Eeeew!" said Black.

He's been sending digs my way all evening. "What is your problem, Black?" I said.

"My problem is that you are an annoying little goody two-shoes, the sort of freaky savant who's idea of a being a bad boy is brewing a little semi-alcoholic fizz under his bed. You're boring. And greasy."

"That is so not true," I said. Bloody hell. That is true.

Black sat back with a self-satisfied smile. "Then prove it. Do something marauderish."

They all looked at me with anticipation. Even Lily. Oh, Merlin! "What does marauderish mean exactly?" I asked.

The answers came from all around the table. "Dangerous." "Naughty." "Exciting." "Mischievous." "Unconventional." "Funny."

"Oh. Funny," I said. "Um. ...Well." I looked at Black's arrogant grin, threw my breeding, deportment and dignity out the window and said, "The Hufflepuffs spent six months doing a group research project and they discovered that there is a magic knob on the end of a man's penis. The Professors awarded them 20 points for their project.
....The Ravenclaws spent two months researching and they discovered that the knob on the end of a man's penis was for the man's pleasure. The Professors awarded them 30 points for their project.
....The Slytherins spent one week researching and they discovered that the knob on the end of a man's penis was for the woman's pleasure. The Professors awarded them 40 points for their project.
....The Gryffindors spent two days researching, were awarded 200 points, and won the house cup for their discovery that the knob on the end of a man's penis was so that the man's hand doesn't fly off the end and hit him in the forehead."

I punctuated the end of the joke with the appropriate gesture and looked around expectantly. ...Nothing. When I'd told this joke in the Snake Pit I'd brought down the house. But now... cold silence. Huh? Talk about no sense of humour. ...Oh, what am I, stupid. Of course Gryffindork jokes aren't going to go over very well with Gryffindorks. Gryffindors. Right. Oops. And what am I doing telling a joke like that with a girl present? ...Shit.

Lily looked up at me in confusion. "A knob? I don't get it," she said.

It was Lily's innocent question that got the laugh from the boys around the table and dispelled the tension. I relaxed as they guffawed at her and Lily tossed her head in good-natured annoyance.

"You need to get yourself an anatomy book," said Lupin to her.

"Or a boyfriend," I said. There was another speechless pause. Four Lionboys glared at me in horror. Oh, dear. My terminal case of foot in mouth disease strikes again. I wonder if I'll make it back to the school in one piece? Maybe I should just take a vow of silence now and be done with it...

Lily glanced at me, giggled and blushed. I gaped at her and then shut my mouth and grinned. Yes! The waitress brought another round of butterbeer and our dinner and the conversation slowly rose from the dead. We ate, drank, paid and left. The Gryffindorks didn't let me get anywhere near Lily on the walk back, they guarded her every flank, but I didn't care. She likes me. I will get around them somehow.




I loooooove Quidditch. The grey mist had burned off revealing a bright spring morning that smelled of the promise of summer. "I wonder where the next players are. They're late,'' I said.

Sev was locking the Bludgers in their box. I heard him take deep breath. "They aren't coming. This next hour is mine. I signed up for a Friday afternoon a few weeks ago. Everyone wants a Friday practice before a game. I easily swapped it for this slot yesterday when I heard you taken the earlier slot."

"Why'd you do that?" I asked him.

"So we wouldn't have any distractions. No classes, no schoolwork, no classmates, no Quidditch." He pulled my broom out of my hand and dropped it on the grass.

"Give me back my broom!" I said and then realized he hadn't let go of my hand. "Give me back my hand!"

"Uh. I.... You don't want to hear me out first?" he asked.

I looked up into his diffident face, noted how he had to keep forcing his eyes back up to hold my gaze. And finally I cottoned on. He's arranged for an hour alone with me... Uh-oh. "So, talk!" I said.

"I must admit, I have nothing coherent to say," he mumbled.

I tried to pull my hand away, but he just stepped forward, following me. "Oi!" I said. "Oi!"

He pulled me close and put his arms awkwardly around me. "Sev," I said warningly. I pressed my hand flat against his chest to push him away and felt his heart running hummingbird fast, 180 beats a minute at least. Laughing, I looked up into his face. "You're terrified," I told him.

He could not deny it. "Well. Well, I'm not a Gryffindor, am I?"

"No," I said, agreeing and disagreeing at once. Aaaah! I've never been this close to him. Touching him...

"Yes," he insisted. "I know you feel as I do. Just try me. Come on. Try me."

I drew a breath to argue with him, but then held it, tasting my desire. The fresh sweat that soaked his grey Quidditch practice shirt and dripped through his hair smelled of new grass and hot musky overheated boy. It made me drool. Why not? A small try. Just a little taste...

I tentatively wrapped my free arm around his waist, tipped my nose into the open neck of his shirt and inhaled. Oh. Oh, yum.

My other hand was still trapped between us and I felt his fluttering heart slow and settle. I pulled my arm out from between us, ran my hand up his arm and over his shoulder. Our guarded knees clonked together, my armoured breast poked him in the chest. We moved against each other, adjusting ourselves and finding a comfortable fit despite the impediments of defense. His hands settled at the small of my back. I curled my fingers around the back of his neck into the short wet hair that had escaped his ponytail.

I leaned back and looked up again. His eyes aren't black in the shock of morning, but dark unsweetened chocolate brown. He grinned at me delightedly.

".....Well?" I asked.

"Well, what?" he said.

"Are you going to kiss me or are you just going to stare at me?"

"Oh, I am going to kiss you," he said.

"............Well, when?"

Sev laughed at me. "Impatient girl. We have a whole hour." But he shut his eyes and leaned closer. He brushed his nose upwards along my cheek. I felt his breath tickle my chin. I clutched him closer and practically sobbed in desperation, waiting for him to touch my lips.

We were tackled then by four boys under an invisibility cloak. I hit the ground hard and my breast plate failed. Silver flakes of light spilled out from under my shirt. And then it seemed that time compressed or expanded because too many things happened within too few seconds. The Marauders, having found a gleeful excuse for violence, were visible and pummeling Sev, but he was mauling them back.

Peter went flying from the dogpile to land a few feet away with an ugly crackling sound. Sirius hauled James to his feet. Sev rolled back to his feet with his Quidditch bat in his hand and an ugly expression on his face. Remus rose off-balance to his knees and Sev trampled him into the grass, going over him to reach James and Sirius.

I watched Sev parry Sirius's fist with the bat and then backhand James in the solar plexus. James fell retching into the grass, the wind knocked out of him. Remus was up again and Sev dipped his shoulder in a feint that Remus was suckered into going for. I watched Sev strike him with an unbelievable quickness and drop Remus a second time.

And suddenly I realized just what sport Sev had been practicing for the last six summers at Durmstrang. I'd read in Hogwarts, a History that long ago all the schools of Europe taught dueling the ancient way, not with Quidditch balls and bats, but with wands ...and swords.

"Sev! What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"Four against one!" he yelled back, not taking his eyes of Sirius, who attacked again. I watched Sev judge the speed and reach of Sirius's arm, step back out from under it and then lunge forward to fetch Sirius a cracking blow to the side of his head with the bat. Sirius fell as if boneless.

I seized his elbow. Sev shook me off. "They're not armed! And you are! And not just with that!" I said, pointing at the Quidditch bat that he has always, always held slightly incorrectly ...for Quidditch. But Severus wasn't listening.

The only Marauder still moving was Peter, who was scooting backwards on his elbows in desperation to escape. Severus whirled around and honed in on that motion. No! Enough! I ran to stand in front of Peter.

Severus tried to step around me and I blocked him with my body. We did the kind of ridiculous dance one does in narrow hallways. "Get out of the way!" he yelled.

"No! You'll be going through me first," I screamed.

And at that the mad light in his eyes went out. He stood still and stared at me unbelieving. "....Five against one?" he said. Only then did he notice he'd been hurt and he touched his bleeding mouth.

You've already won, you beserking twit of a Slytherin! I thought, but all that came out was, "You, you Slytherin!"

He finally dropped the Quidditch bat. There were shocked tears in eyes. He uncovered his mouth and looked at the blood all over his hand. "This looks green to you? Well, never mind then!" he said around broken teeth. He stepped forward and swiped his bloody thumb across my lower lip. Then he turned and left, a quick stalk that halfway across the field turned into a run, leaving me alone surrounded by bloody Quidditch equipment and broken Gryffindors.

And I... licked my lip and tasted him, bitter copper and untempered iron and mad bull rages and salt and yet.... still sweet. It was a sweet kiss. It was not how I'd wanted it. And it was all I was going to get.




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Next Chapter: Endgame